When a kiss is just a kiss...

So I am about 20 days away from my big move to Spain. Thankfully I’ve made a few contacts with some professors and students from my university who will be in Spain at the same time I will. Several of the students I met are in their second and third year of working as ESL teachers in Spain. They will come in handy as far as helping me navigate through my first couple of months since I'll be doing the same thing. In fact, I’ve already found them useful.

Beyond meeting the students I mentioned earlier, I haven’t had much contact with anyone from my region or Spain, in general. Actually the only contact I’ve had with someone in Spain has been through emails with the director of my school. While my contact has been limited, I am learning A LOT about the culture already.

You know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words? Well whoever said that clearly didn’t anticipate the email.

Just in the past two months of trading emails, I’ve learned a lot about Spaniard culture and the all mighty siesta (which will probably drive me nuts since I am very punctual in business settings!!!)

For example, my director (who is male) keeps ending his emails with “un beso”. For those of you who don’t speak Spanish, the literal translation of “un beso” is a kiss. Now you can imagine some of my confusion. In the United States, if your boss ends a letter with “a kiss” you can go ahead and quit your job because after you sue him for harassment, you’ll never have to work again.

All jokes aside, it was a surprise more than anything. I was in no way offended by this gesture, but being that I come from a culture that excludes affection from business situations, this was a bit different.

In the U.S. when we think of someone ending a letter with a kiss, we instantly envision a picturesque, black and white darling patiently awaiting her sweetheart back from the war or maybe, a jolly grandma sending her grandchild a warm box of cookies and a sweet little note half way across the country.

Whatever your vision may be, I’m willing to bet it didn’t include your director or any male for that matter. Generally speaking, that kind of affection is reserved for romantic relationships or women. It has been my experience (and I’m willing to say most of our experience) that men in the U.S. don’t initiate this kind of affection for whatever reason (i.e. gender norms, power relations, etc.).

I know, I know, I know. Many of you are saying: Silly girl, don’t you know that it’s customary to give a kiss and hug when greeting people in Hispanic/Latin cultures? Yes, I did know that but until you actually experience it; your current cultural norms still rein supreme. That’s the funny thing about culture: It shapes our norms and beliefs even in something as small as ending an email.

To add to that, when I traveled to Costa Rica (which for all purposes is a collectivist culture similar to Spain) I didn’t actually experience the kiss/hug until my last day in the country. By then we had known them well enough (according to U.S. standards) to accept a kiss/hug. Even still it only came from other women. All of the men we greeted shook our hands and gave us hugs but that was it. Of course, we did see the natives that worked at our campus and in the hotels greet each other with kisses and hugs but overall they were debriefed on the U.S. culture and were very careful about greeting us with a kiss/hug. In a way, I guess I expected him to identify me as an “American” (read as north American) and act as they did, which in retrospect, is so obnoxious but painfully honest. So many of us have felt that someone should recognize our culture and act accordingly despite the ways it may affect them. Of course this is subconscious but it really gets to the core of how something (such as culture) can be so engrained that we act it out without realizing it.

To seek comfort during our correspondence, I kept ending my emails with “un abrazo” (a hug) to maintain a barrier. Still, I got the un beso. Then I got an email from one of the students at my university and she also kept ending her emails with “un beso”. After some discussions with friends, I’ve come to understand that “un beso” is an endearing way and very friendly way to end a conversation.

Unfortunately this realization has come a little too late. I think he may have got the picture and has now started ending his emails with un saludo (a greeting), which is still affectionate but from my understanding a tad bit more formal. I have to admit I miss the “beso.” It’s only been one email since the change and he was busy so we will have to see if it changes all together.

(I’ll keep you posted)

Un besito (A small kiss...I'm working on it!),
Mitzi